Things The Musicals Taught Us!

1. When you are dying, it is essential to sing a long and difficult song that requires incredibly capacious lungs even if you are suffering from consumption or heart disease.

2. Sometimes, when you're in love, your neighbours/local prostitutes/villagers may intrude upon you and your beloved with a noisy song and dance in 4 part harmony

3. Villagers whisper and point a lot, but are not really saying anything of interest

4. Women out number men forty five to one.

5. Eighteen year old virgins are really thirty eight year old mothers of five

6. All Americans speak with strong Oklahoma accents, even if they are from New York.

7. In France during Victor Hugos time, the French spoke English in cockney accents

8. When travelling abroad, beware !! The black hills of Dakota greatly resemble the Alps or the Scottish highlands - it can be quite confusing

9. Beware! if you were involved in the Parisian Barricades during Victor Hugos time, the Barricade revolves rather inconveniently, thus defeating the purpose

10. Women in Jail prefer to dress in leather and fishnet bondage gear

11. Dying of AIDS can inspire you to sing and dance like a lunatic

12. It is possible to be dead and have your knees bent, and walk when the lights go out...

13. Dead people are capable of song and dance, but do so usually dressed in white with grey makeup

14. There will be a break for tea and coffee and approx 9 pm

15. The bells or fire engine you hear in the background have nothing to do with you : they are an echo of another realm

16. Sometimes you may forget what you were going to say, or repeat what you just said....sometimes another person will say it for you

17. Daylight and moonlight can be switched on and off, sometimes they flicker...but remember, they will always make you sweat

18. When you walk into market, into a ballroom or into Covent Garden, you should always be accompanied by at least one other person and should be engaged in a conversation about rhubarb

19. Swords are made of MDF20. The wall is not a wall : it is a pallet from Tesco

21. Doors open backwards from time to time and are held closed by a man with a beard

22. There is a place called back stage where a guy called Packie/Paddy/Pat sits talking...don't be alarmed

23. The Difference between old men and young men is that the old ones pencil in crowsfeet and brow lines

24. When you are happy....sing

25. When you are sad.....sing

26. When in love....sing

27. When you hate someone.....sing

28. When you are angry....sing loud

29. When you think the man you've just met is really nice, but he's not...sing....marry him....sing some more..when he is dying at your feet, and has treated you like crap for your whole married life....cradle him your arms and sing some more...sometimes in 2 part harmony with him !!

Oh poor Harry

Hope you can see this - click on the picture to make bigger if you are having trouble. Anyway it is Time Magazine's Tribute to Harry Potter - BLOOMIN BRILLIANT!!!

PHILOSOPHY OF HOUSEKEEPING

Especially for the Ladies !

I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I'll feel terrible( plus they may sue me.)

I don't mind the dust bunnies because ... They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don't disturb cobwebs because . I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don't Spring Clean because . I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous

I don't pull weeds in the garden because .. I don't want to get in God's way, she is an excellent designer!

I don't put things away because . My husband will never be able to find them again.

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because . I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".

I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type" personalities die young andI want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!! REMEMBER . . . .

A VERY Short Story

Happy Easter and Some More Rhetorical Questions For You To Ponder

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

How did a fool and his money GET together?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Why do they sterilise the needles for lethal injections?

What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

When you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

NUMBER 5: "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

NUMBER 4: "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to."

NUMBER 3: "Whew! 'Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!"

NUMBER 2: "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) "... in Jesus' name, Amen"

Theatrical Terms Explained!!

Eternity - The time that passes between a dropped cue and the next line.
Prop - 1. A hand-carried object small enough to be lost by an actor shortly before it's needed on stage. 2. Anything that gets in the way of a scene change.
Director - The individual who suffers from the delusion that he or she is responsible for every moment of brilliance cited by the critic in the local review.
Blocking - The art of moving actors on the stage in such a manner as to not collide with the walls, furniture, orchestra pit or each other. Similar to playing chess, except the pawns want to argue.
Quality Theatre - Any show with which you were directly involved.
Turkey - Every show with which you were not directly involved.
Final Dress Rehearsal - Rehearsal that becomes a whole new ball game as actors attempt to maneuver among the 49 objects that the set designer added at 7:30 that evening.
Tech Week - The last week of rehearsal when everything that was supposed to be done weeks before finally comes together at the last minute; reaches its grand climax on final dress rehearsal night when costumes rip, a dimmer pack catches fire and the director has a nervous breakdown.
Set - An obstacle course which, throughout the rehearsal period, defies the laws of physics by growing smaller week by week while continuing to occupy the same amount of space.
Monologue - That shining moment when all eyes are focused on a single actor who is desperately aware that if he forgets a line, no one can save him.
Bit Part - An opportunity for the actor with the smallest role to count everybody else's lines and mention repeatedly that he or she has the smallest part in the show.
Dark Spot - The stage area which the lighting designer has inexplicably forgotten to light, and which has a magnetic attraction for the first-time actor. A dark spot is never evident before opening night.
Hands - Appendages at the end of the arms used for manipulating one's environment, except on a stage, where they grow six times their normal size and either dangle uselessly, fidget nervously, or try to hide in your pockets.
Stage Manager - Individual responsible for overseeing the crew, supervising the set changes, baby-sitting the actors and putting the director in a hammerlock to keep him from killing the actor who just decided to turn his walk-on part into a major role by doing magic tricks while he serves the tea.
Lighting Director - Individual who, from the only vantage point offering a full view of the stage, gives the stage manager a heart attack by announcing a play-by-play of everything that's going wrong. One who whines, throws fits, and says "This is the last show I'm doing here! I swear to God !"
Makeup Kit - among experienced community theater actors, a battered tackle box loaded with at least 10 shades of greasepaint in various stages of desiccation, tubes of lipstick and blush, assorted pencils, bobby pins, braids of crepe hair, liquid latex, old programs, jewelry, break-a-leg greeting cards from past shows, brushes and a handful of half-melted cough drops.
- among inexperienced young actors - the ability to look pathetic and run from experienced actor to experienced actor pleading for some blusher
Stage Crew - Group of individuals who spend their evenings coping with 50-minute stretches of total boredom interspersed with 30-second bursts of mindless panic.
Strike - The time immediately following the last performance that all cast and crew members are required to watch the two people who own Makita screw drivers dismantle the set.
Actors - People who stand between the audience and the set designer's art, blocking the view. That's also the origin of the word "blocking," by the way.
Stage Right, Stage Left - Two simple directions actors pretend not to understand in order to drive directors crazy. ( "No, no, your OTHER right !" )
Just remember: It's only theatre until it offends someone … then it's ART !!